Day Two

Occasionally, after a night where I have fed my baby while lying down I will have excruciating neck pain in the morning.  This morning was just such a morning.

Despite not being able to move much I was determined to have this be day two in a row of exercise.  So I typed "yoga" into the search box on pandora, took a deep breath and began.  My "exercise" consisted largely of engaging my abs, and gently turning my head while standing, sitting and laying down.  To really mix things up, I added a few, slow arm movements.

Thrilling, no?

But, I did carve out time for exercise.  I did move my body.  I did take one tiny step toward consistency.  And I do feel better for it.

Now for making smart food choices the rest of the day ... including eating a smart portion of the apple turnovers I will be making today.

The Law of the Harvest

Sunday was all about the Law of the Harvest, to wit: As a man sows, so shall he reap and He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully.

The whole sparingly/bountifully concept immediately made me think "Drat.  My exercise levels hover between sparingly and non-existant.  If I am only going to reap sparingly then what is the point?  I can sow brownies and reap happiness now."

Never fear, the more rational voices in my head soon chimed in with "Yes, but you are striving.  And if you consistently sow exercise you will consistently reap health.  God knows you're a busy mama with a bazillion demands on your time.  You'll figure it out."

So,  I am off to sow apple slices and not hot-cocoa powder straight from the can.

Doing It

Megan was right.  When it comes to exercise you have to just do it.

Today I let the oatmeal cement to the pot.  I let the kids wait for lunch.  I let my fed, changed, snuggled baby holler.  I let the 2,892 items that are strewn higglety-pigglety around the house stay strewn.

Apparently that is what it takes.

That and a little motivation from Halloween indiscretions.

Day one done.  I may just be able to do this.  Perhaps I can stop thinking up words that rhyme with Megan.  :)

Happy Halloween

Ah Halloween, holiday of free candy, and for me, a realization that I have lost the path.  You know, the path that leads to healthy and slim and is paved with rice cakes, and lined with towering leafy celery stalks.  Can you see it from where you are?  Halfway into a fun-size milky way I realized that I couldn't see it.  Actually, that I hadn't seen it for a while.

I am ready for a do-over.

I have made my favorite fatal error - trying to improve everything at once and ultimately improving nothing.  Megan, would you be up for a challenge?  Here is what I have in mind.  We each choose one thing that plagues us (mine is making time for exercise.)  Then next week we do it three days in a row.  If one of us doesn't come through, then that person must write a poem about the other and post it on the blog.  How does that sound?

I will especially need this because I discovered last week that I can make divine apple turnovers and have been asked to make them for a family gathering.  They are good.  I mean Good.  I will be eating an apple turnover this week.  Okay, there is a strong likelihood I will be eating two.

Here is to exercise!

Red

Megan inspired me with her talk of fashion.  With the advent of deep fall (our mountains got a dusting of snow this week) I needed sweaters.  I pulled them all down out of the top of my closet onto my floor - a heap of brown and blacks, grays and steel blues.  I sorted the XLs from the Ls so I could find them easily and there at the bottom was a bright red sweater - size M nonetheless.  It was a throwback to a skinnier time when I dressed in smart, business clothes.  I love that sweater and as I have modulated up through the sizes, I have never been able to get rid of it.

Red is fabulous.

Bill Blass said "When in doubt, wear red."

The red of the sweater reminded me of a story of a fabulous woman - Minerva Tiechert.  A western woman and a phenomenal painter.  She trained for a few years at an art school back East.  One evening, close to graduation, there was to be a celebratory dinner and Minerva had been asked to give a toast.  She stood up in a bright red dress and quoted part of Eugene Field's poem "Red."

ANY color, so long as it's red,
Is the color that suits me best,
Though I will allow there is much to be said
For yellow and green and the rest;
But the feeble tints which some affect
In the things they make or buy
Have never--I say it with all respect--
Appealed to my critical eye.

Through acres and acres of art I've strayed
In Italy, Germany, France;
On many a picture a master has made
I've squandered a passing glance:
Marines I hate, madonnas and
Those Dutch freaks I detest;
But the peerless daubs of my native land,--
They're red, and I like them best.

'Tis little I care how folk deride,--
I'm backed by the West, at least;
And we are free to say that we can't abide
The tastes that obtain down East;
And we're mighty proud to have it said
That here in the versatile West
Most any color, so long as it's red,
Is the color that suits us best.
 

Incedentally, she spoke with such charisma that no one noticed that she only drank water, not the red wine that was served that night.

This is a tip of the hat to a fabulous woman. 

Yummy

Okay, so this weekend, celebrations and parties notwithstanding, I did a pretty good job of avoiding sugar.  I did this by pigging out on everything else.  Not so proud of that.

What I am proud of is a desert I made for a party at my house last night.  I mixed honeydew melon, strawberries, apples and blackberries with a sauce (juice of two limes and 4 T honey) put it all in a trifle bowl and sprinkled the top with coconut flakes.

I was surprised at how much everyone at the party appreciated having a healthy alternative.  Maybe we aren't the only ones struggling.

Megan, I am so glad you talked about wardrobe.  Just because I don't like my current silhouette, and just because some days pass without shower or make-up doesn't mean I have to be a frump.  I want STYLE.  I want PANACHE.  Let me know what you find that works.  I love that you are finding your own brand of fabulous.  Way to go Warrior.

Feeling fabulously excited!

Two things happened today:

1.  I took the time to look through my disaster I call a wardrobe (most of which is either hand-me-downs or big enough to fit so I just wear it) and decided it was time to figure out my style. What do I want to look like? What kind of person do I want to portray? What hair style, clothing and accessories do I want to wear? These questions really perplexed me, but excited me at the same time. My entire life I followed my mother and sister's styles. Now it is time to find what I LOVE (notice I didn't use 'like.' I need to feel passionate!)

 So what did I do? I spent a bit of time on Pinterest, which likely is just as addicting as sugar--I must be careful, and found some fashion that I LOVE! I am having fun with this and really enjoying visualizing how I am going to look as I take my journey to fabulous. In fact, I even donned an autumn purple scarf this afternoon as an accessory. I haven't done much with style lately so this was a big step.

2.  I watched a documentary about eating whole foods and found it extremely motivating. I have been way off on my understanding of how my diet should be and especially understanding guidelines of what should be eaten in moderation. There is a song from Sesame Street that explains to kids that "a cookie is a sometimes food." Hmmmm. That simple, huh? Why did I think that a cookie is the close to every stinkin' meal?!!! So I made a menu and went grocery shopping following my new found guidelines and hoping that I can teach my children to eat healthy while they are young. Then they won't have to deal with the psychological break down that I am I going through. There are so many foods that are supposed to be 'sometimes foods' but in our society we make them dietary staples. Time to fix that in my life.

Gotta keep this good thing goin'! 

Sometimes i simply HATE it

Too much has happened lately to describe in detail, so I will give the short version:

I HATE sugar. I went off it and felt great, then caved, ate some, and now I can't seem to stop. Bethany, it really is an addiction. Yuck.

I HATE that things get in my way of exercising. I know that blocking off a time to do it is important, but how do I do that when my schedule seems so unorganized lately. We've had non-stop family in town for the last three weeks which makes for delicious temptations and not much private time.

I HATE when I get a motivation and a goal in sight, but then I lose focus. Recently I have found a perfect motivation for losing weight and gaining confidence, and it has helped me some, but I need to always remember it in order to fulfill my goal. Why does it have to be so hard?!

But, most of all, I HATE feeling out of control. And I've been feeling that a lot lately. Whether it's the mountain of clean laundry needing to be folded, and I keep adding to it, or watching my hand continuing to feed my full stomach even though I don't want or need it. I need to plan my days and weeks, and stick to those plans. I need to "act and not be acted upon." I need to use my agency and make the correct choices. By making good, healthy choices I gain confidence and I continue to progress. I need to live every moment and every choice.

Good thing I can sit here and figure these things out as I express them to you. Thanks for listening.

Flurry

I have wanted to post so many times this week, but with canning season and fall break my time gets scattered like so many fall leaves.

Today I had a moment that begged to be recorded.  Today in my dance class one of my little five year old dancers came up to me, patted my amply endowed abdomen and innocently asked "How did you get such a big tummy?"  If a five year old is noticing, then there is definitely something to work on.

This little dancer is also the one that throws her arms around my waist after every class and says "I love you Miss Bethany."  That softened the blow a little ... a very little.

Right now I feel great about the limiting of sugar I am doing.  It has helped me maintain where I am, but I haven't made any progress for two weeks, so that must mean that the time to exercise had arrived - for reals this time.

Oh, and last week I was in the grocery store and the lure of the sugary yummy goodness was so strong I felt like there were fishing hooks in my soul pulling me toward something delicious and naughty.  I almost didn't make it out of there, but somehow I resisted.  Point one for the unwilling trout.  Honestly, this is an addiction for me.  Not everyone has had the experience of having food be like an addiction, so maybe it doesn't make sense, but I HAVE and IT CAN BE.

Here's to fighting the good fight.

A day at at time

Hey, so today is going well.  Granted, it is only 10 AM, but still.  I feel powerful.  I can do anything for a day (especially if a friend is doing it with me), and this day is all I am going to focus on.

Megan that article was great!  I am including a link to a talk that, while not about weight, is super motivating.  It is by Larry Gelwix, of "Forever Strong" fame.  And if you haven't seen "Forever Strong", I suggest hopping on Hulu and pulling it up right now.  No, seriously now.  It is that good.  Anyway, the real life coach of the Highland Rugby team gave a talk up at USU to their business department and it is well worth a watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEnnthmTl7o

So, when I read the lines you are going to practice in the mirror, I started thinking of what I would say.  Considering the quantity of kids songs and literature I'm exposed to, it is no wonder that my thoughts instantly became ridiculous.  "Oh, thank you, but cupcakes make me turn blue."  "Last time I ate cookies my tongue fell out."  "It's the strangest thing, but when I eat brownies, I have to light something on fire."  Oh to have the guts to actually use those.  They are fun to think about though.

NO, NO, NO!

Count me in! I think I literally just felt the spark of motivation that I've been missing these last few days. Tomorrow--no sugar, more exercise.

I went three days without sugar this week, and as difficult as it was, I felt great. In fact, I felt wonderful. Then, yesterday afternoon, I caved. I had gone too long without food and rationalized unlike I have ever done before. Pretty soon I had consumed three pieces of pumpkin cream cheese cake (which I should have thrown out days ago but thought I'd keep it for my husband's sake) and two glasses of milk. Yuck. I instantly felt regret along with a stomach ache. Ever since yesterday afternoon I feel like the biggest failure. What is wrong with me? I'd like to blame it on being an exhausted, breast feeding mother, but I don't think that is it. Tomorrow, we will have this challenge and just knowing that you are doing it with me, Bethany, will only inspire to be the best I can be. Thank you.

I wish I could honestly say that I am completely in control and really eating broccoli by the stalk AND dropping lbs like hot cakes, but it's not true. But it can be. Let's keep going tomorrow.

Here is a great article I read today to help me with some motivation. Take a look if you get the chance.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/497310-find-your-motivation/

We've got a ward party tomorrow night so I plan on controlling myself and practicing how to say "no" in the mirror tonight. "No, thank you. Sugar upsets my stomach." "No, I'm actually allergic to white flour." "No, I've got a dentist appointment in the morning." Hmmm. Those are good enough, right?
                                                

Challenge

Megan, how would you like to rouse the competitive blood a bit?   Not us versus each other, but us versus our habits.  Here is the challenge I lay down.  Tomorrow.  No sugar.  And we exercise.

Unless of course you are already doing this everyday.  I have this image of you living the perfect, healthy life, crunching raw broccoli with one hand and lifting dumbbells with the other.

If you do want to do a one day challenge here is what I'm thinking:  Exercise: no time limit, no sweat limit, we just have to set time aside and do something extra.  Sugar: a little sugar on oatmeal, I think is okay, but no sugary snacks or treats.  Our family is getting together with two other families tomorrow night and I want to commit to living healthy even through a party.

Are you game?

Battleship

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."

~Catherine Aird

I feel like a horrible warning sometimes.

Why can't I get my act together?  Could it be that my life consists of so much more than just me?  Truly, if I were responsible only for my mess, laundry, cleaning, social, emotional, educational and physical well being I would be awesome!  How do I know this?  Because I've been there, lived that and I was, ahem, awesome.  

Not that I mean to make excuses.  All the excuses in the world won't make me thin or healthy.  I am just saying that it is hard.  Trying to make life changes for one is like turning a Mazda Miada.  It can be accomplished on a dime.  Changing lifestyles with four small kiddos is more like convincing a battleship to do a 180.  It takes a lot more energy, thrust and requires a crew.  Thanks Megan for being part of my crew.

Right now the caloric remains of my indiscretions have glommed on to my hips with the tenacity of a mollusk.  Today I thought about Megan dumping cinnamon rolls in the trash and eating fruit from her Mommy Shelf.  I rolled that thought around in my head while eating zucchini bread with butter.  I may be helpless.

I do not want to be a horrible warning.  I want to want to exercise enough to put my life on hold, put down my book, and put on spandex.  I want to want to eat more vegetables and start taking the time to make it happen.  

Desire is a good place to start.  The produce isle would also be a good place to start.  Tonight would be a good place to start.  But for now I am spent.  I am going to bed.  Perhaps Jillian Michaels will visit me in my dreams; my own personal ghost of fitness future.

I am grateful for the chance to write and re-focus on what I really want.

Success

"Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."

~Winston Churchill

Many thanks to Megan for helping me maintain enthusiasm.  I know I am going to fail now and again and again, but I am so grateful that a single battle does not determine the war.  Time to hop back up on that horse, ride that bandwagon, put my shoulder to the wheel and find a few more metaphors :). 

Unlikely Blessings

While Conference weekend was wonderful in so many ways, I seem to always treat it like a holiday and I strayed a bit from my course. But, the Lord is always looking out for me. . .

It is tradition that on conference weekend I make cinnamon rolls slathered in butter cream frosting. I hesitated to make them this past weekend because I knew how hard it would be to resist. But I persisted anyway. It's tradition, right? As I was kneading the dough G came over and grabbed a piece to munch on. I thought it strange that he didn't eat it. Then my honey came over to try some. He asked, "Does this taste weird to you?" I tasted it and nearly gagged on a nasty metallic taste! I had used too much baking powder with aluminum in it! I baked them anyway to see if the horrible flavor would magically disappear, but it didn't.

So, in conclusion, I threw out nearly 3 dozen beautiful cinnamon rolls and that action gave me a feeling of empowerment. I don't need to eat desserts. They are not necessary to sustain my life, but I have acted as if they are! I am proud to say that today I have not eaten any processed sugar in the least. Instead I went to my mommy shelf and grabbed a piece of fruit to calm my sweet tooth. It was a good day.

Remembering

Once I've started to make a little progress on my weight and have purchased a few clothing items in my larger -post-pregnancy size, my desperation to be thin ebbs a little bit.  This leads to excuse making and treat eating and forgetting.  I forget, if just for a few days, why it is I want to continue this new lifestyle.  I forget why it is so important to stick to it now.  I forget the way I want to look.

So here is my reminder to me:

I do not have limitless time to work with.
If I want energy now, I need to eat right and exercise now.
I am not happy with the way I look.
I have a closet full of fabulous clothes1-2 sizes smaller than I am now.
I want to make my amazing husband say WOW.
I want to be an example of healthy habits for my children.
Feeling healthy is worth everything.

While I slid backwards a bit this Conference weekend, I am making course corrections today and I am happy to be progressing back toward the eating habits I want to have.

Still no progress on the exercising bit.  I am striving to get my milk-supply back up (not eating hardly anything for five days while I had the flu dried me up completely), but I am sure I can do some gentle exercises that, while not sweat inducing, could help me develop the habit.  I will keep that in mind today.

H2O

Amen sister, 3:00 is the worst!  The mommy-shelf idea is brilliant and massive applause on the running.  I am seriously impressed.

So, knowing how super important hydration is for health and weight loss, I just wanted to mention something that works for me and my fam.  I love plain water.  I also love flavor.  A while ago, we started diluting the juice we drink (50%-75% water) and I love it.  Regular juice is too sugary for me now.  By diluting it I get flavor, anti-oxidants, lots of hydration and way less sugar AND the juice lasts longer.  I also love herbal tea and herbal iced tea (I'd be happy to share recipes if there are any herbal tea drinkers out there.)  

Okay, so today I had several pieces of black licorice, probably more than I needed.  (Confession is cleansing for the soul, and I hope for the hips.)  But tonight, I chose chamomile tea with honey over hot-cocoa.  I feel happy with that decision and not in the least deprived.

I have finally recovered enough from this pernicious stomach virus that I can contemplate exercise.  Megan you are an inspiration.  I know I need to start exercising, I am just having a hard time getting started again.  I mean, I was on a serious roll when I got slammed with that bug, and now my second-wind is nowhere to be found.  Suggestions?

3:00 p.m.

Your post reflects my exact thoughts, Bethany. But you are making progress and that is huge! You savored those two cookies, and in my book, that is one giant step in the right direction because I know how easy it is to mindlessly eat half a tray. Keep up the good work!!

Something I've struggled with my entire life is mindlessly over eating. Just like any addiction, I needed to find the when and why to my unhealthy habits. So I did an experiment. For the last few days I have been tracking when I eat, what I eat, and how I feel when I'm eating it. I am astonished at what I've uncovered! Mornings are always fabulous; I eat very healthy and at consistent times. Then 3 pm hits like a bomb to destroy my entire day. Usually the boys are asleep, and I'm tired and bored looking for a quick pick-me-up, which ends up as sugar and may give a momentary high only to drag me even more in the dirt when it's over. I feel rotten afterwards and my dinner is then ruined but I somehow manage to still stuff myself. After the boys go to bed I go through the munch, bored, and tired process again. For three days now I've seen this pattern reoccur and it's time for it to end. But, like Bethany, I need something to turn to.

I've tried pampering myself, i.e. taking a bath or painting my nails; I've tried cleaning and organizing; I've tried getting out of the house and even going for a drive. These things work well, but I've also noticed that by avoiding my tendencies I become so hungry that the next time I eat I inhale anything edible in my reach.

So here is what I am going to try: Mommy's Snack Shelf. I am going to dedicate a cupboard shelf to just my snacks and when that 3 pm, or whenever, low comes I will ONLY go to that shelf and pick something from there. This is an experiment and I will post my progress.

As for my evening bad habits I have enlisted the help of my lovely husband. He has decided to get on board with my journey to fabulous! We have been taking time in the evenings to work out together like going for a run before it gets dark or doing a workout video after the kids are asleep. He's doing very well at patiently motivating me to work harder.

Each day is getting better and better. I can't forget this.

The cookie crumbles

So, you remember the pudding cookies I mentioned in my last post?  The ones I did such a good job of avoiding?  Yeah, well I just ate two.  They are, if anything, even softer the second day and I needed something.  Was I celebrating a small victory?  Not unless making it to 10:45 is a victory.

So what was the deal?  At the moment I needed something going into my bucket.  I need to have things that are just for me.  Right now even showers and potty breaks are public events.  If I turn on a show I instantly have one child in my lap and another draped over my shoulders.  If I try to read a book anarchy erupts around me.  Cathartic shopping is not a financial possibility and while packing 3 to 4 children around on a walk is fun, it is still work, and is certainly not just for me.  Sugar is a fast, easy way of spoiling myself.

I did just place a hold on three books at the library.  That is one of my favorite escapes and I intend to purchase pieces of reading time with PBS and the semi-comatose effect it has on my children.  I would love some ideas on bucket filling.  It would be great if they didn't involve getting up early.  That will be great once I am sleeping more, but right now, as much as I love the quiet of AM hours, it would leave me tired and irritable for the rest of the day.  Replacing sugar with something else quick and fulfilling would be a good idea for me.

There was a victory in all of this though.  All that restraint from the weekend has left a mark.  I ate my two cookies slowly and by the time they were gone I felt done.  I didn't want any more.  Normally, the first two don't even bounce once on the way down and I end up eating way more just to feel like I've tasted them.  This was a controlled treat, not a desperate binge and that is progress.